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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.